It’s that time of the year again, when kids get out of the pool, dry themselves off, and realize it’s time to face reality again, school. That was three decades ago for me, but today I just traveled back in time and saw my UCLA freshman year transcript for the first time since 1996. I can’t say that I’m proud or excited, but I just feel dumb, dumb for not studying more, or took college more seriously. I’m mad at myself, my younger self at 18 for being so “out of it”. If only I can do it all over again…
Anthro, music, history, how could I have fucked up so badly in such interesting topics?! I’m trying to think back to my 18 year old brain, I think I was too interested in making friends, socializing, and trying to fit in, instead of focusing on school and doing well. I’m sad about it, I feel regret, but I am just going to feel these feelings, let them sit and then let them go whenever they are ready to go. Oh Amy, how out of the loop were you back then?! You were at UCLA!!! It’s now ranked the #1 public school in America! WTF were you thinking?! You definitely had no idea how great you were, how smart and hard working you were, did you?
The reason why I requested for my transcripts is because I am planning on getting a Master’s Degree in Counciling Psychology so I can one day have my own private practice. But looking at my old transcripts, it made me feel defeated, and disappointed in myself, how royally I didn’t appreciate what I had, and just fucked it up real nicely. No wonder I had major depression, anorexia and bulimia. It all makes sense. I hated myself with a vengence back then. I didn’t see my true self, my true power, my true potential until much later in life. I guess as they say, it’s better late than never.
The shame and guilt that I feel, I’m going to let it seep in for as long as they feel like it. No longer am I going to drink or eat to numb these feelings, I’m just going to see them for what they are, real feelings that I feel from past mistakes that I am mad about now. It’ll all pass, but in the meantime, I’m going to bask in the light of shame and guilt for as long as I need to, to get it all out of my system.
For my baby, I will try my best to help him or her to get the most out of life, out of what they have, out of who they truly are, and not be afraid to work hard, fail and then get back up again. This type of percervirance is what I would like to teach my child about. It’s not about being “the best”, “winning”, or be “extremely rich”, it’s about feeling satisfied, and happy with who you are, and living life without fear of failure and percerver through every obsticle.
Rajaverse 