How do you define what six months mean to people, birds, and rabbits? How do we all perceive six months differently? How does it feel for you vs. others around you? I find myself really shocked, perplexed, and in awe of the past six months. To me, these past six months has been everything and anything that’s possible has happened or hasn’t. It’s a weird feeling, like I’m looking at the past six months from afar, somewhere else, another realm.
Is it that I’ve gone through so much that I can’t feel, or am disconnected from my reality? Or is it that I’m just trying to take in ALL that’s happened in the past six months, and because it’s SO much, my mind can’t digest it? I don’t know, but all I know is that I’m a changed person. Sometime I don’t even feel like a person, more like a being, an energy floating outside, looking in.
Today is the six months follow up check up with my breast surgeon Dr. Choi. The appointment made me re-examine that pst six months, all the changes that happened within me, my thoughts, my feelings, my perceptions of the environment around me, and I realized that I am different today, different in which I don’t know that person which I was six months ago, going into the surgery. I’ve become more emotionally intuned with everything around me, even the smallest details, I can see them, and feel them. Is this a new superpower that I’ve aquired after surviving breast cancer? Is it a wake up call from above, to knock me off my feet, and to see, hear, feel all that I should sense, because I was numb before?
I was sure self-numbing. My alcohol problem, serial monogamy/dating, self-sabotage, self-pity, and self-destruction all had to be stopped, and I hit the brakes and stopped it all to a halt. It was a shock to the system, a hard knock, but it didn’t kill me and I switched out my old self-hating soul with a new one, one that is kind, empathetic, and caring to myself, which is why today was SO weird. Walking into MSK, seeing Dr. Choi and Nurse Nancy, a mirror was held up to me, and I saw my new soul, one that I’m still trying to get used to.
The depth of feeling, sensing, understanding, and appreciating is the ultimate gift from God that I’ve always needed, and it couldn’t come at a better time in my life. I’m 46 years young, ready to be a mother, ready to take care of another life. I feel it, I feel it coming, and I am ready. My darling baby, I promise I will show you all there is to see, give you the most love and care, and I will let you be you, without judgement, without limits. I believe in you, as much as you believe in me, to chose me to be your mother. I thank you, and I love you.
Rajaverse 