Rajaverse

“Dr. Robson will refer you directly to our “survivorship program,” says MSK’s patient representative.

Ok, so pretty much I was just kicked out of the cancer ward, after 5 months after my diagnosis. HA! That’s exactly what I wanted. Look, the fear is real. Yes, I am putting my remission in my own hands, but at the same time I am taking FULL responsibility for my own remission, and I’m my own cancer-free captain. If every oncologist at MSK will be making me take at least 2 years of tamoxifen before trying to get pregnant with my donor eggs, I will be starting at 48! Err, dude, mama’s got no 2 years to waste! Mama’s gotta get her uterus to start housing a baby, like yesterday!

I know it’s scary as hell, I have to admit once I hung up the phone with MSK, I was scared. So scared, I picked up my guitar and started jamming for an hour and a half. I was freaking out, but the music always calms me down and makes me centered. Now I’m writing this after my jam session, I have a clear head to face what I’ve just done. I’ve cut off MSK pretty much. That’s it. I’m going rogue.

Please remember, I’m not totally going rogue per ce. I’m still seeing Dr. Partridge in Boston, who’s chief of women’s fertility and oncology after breast cancer treatment. I would put my trust in her that she would allow me to go ahead and do IVF in the next few months. I’m ready baby! Insert the embryo in me already!

With my positive mental state, calm emotions, and stress regulation, I think I can handle this fine. Don’t forget I have my new strict lifestyle change, totally changing my eating habits and exercise routine, I would be the perfect “white mouse” to follow for the next 5 years to see how I do, right? That is the offer I’m going to give to Dr. Partridge, if she monitors me while doing IVF and lets me go ahead soon, then I will sign up to be one of her program’s test patients. This can’t get better, right? I get what I want, a baby, and she will get her test patient to add to her study. It’s a win, win.

I can’t be more scared and excited at the same time about being exiled into the “survivorship” program. I pray to God every day to keep me strong and healthy in mind, body, and soul to keep cancer cells at bay and out of my body for good. Yesterday I told my therapist that I no longer feel scared about the decisions I make in life, thanks to his help I’m no longer a lone island in the middle of the ocean. I’m connected to my family in my heart and have nothing to be scared about with our solid understanding and care for each other. It was a long, hard road to get here, but I told him it was so messed up, but I wouldn’t trade my cancer diagnosis for anything if it helped me to connect with my family and then to myself. I mean it sincerely and I feel it in my bones that it pushed me to open myself up to my family like never before. The emotional distance was created in my own mind when I was little being left behind, but it wasn’t the way I made it out to be. My family always had my back, but I didn’t think that way. It only took 4 decades to realize this, eating disorders, depression, alcohol dependency, toxic boyfriends, partying, a divorce, 2 miscarriages, and cancer to flip the switch in my brain. Thank you Life for blowing out so many fuses in order for me to flip the switch.

Survivor’s ship, I’m the captain holding the life’s steering wheel, I’m going to avoid glaciers, other boats no matter the tide or the storms to come.